JESUS NOW AND FOREVER!
He really rocks xD

Joyan Tan. Welcome to the Exodus Escape! My life is an open blog and incentive to read this? I promise to write the truth, the truth and nothing but the TRUTH. Hint: This means that when I say "God exists", he DEFINITELY does" xD

Anyhow, be interested, have fun and tag me!Profile here. A child of God, a believer in JAEL Youth, a student of NYGH, a proud member of the Tan Family!

o To evangelise
o To grow in my walk with God

Germaine Joan Madeline Simone Dinnie LILING

Lovedrops♥
x x x x

It's this huge, long slippery slope.

But nope I do not want to go down that path so I shall think of something happy or cheery or interesting to talk about :D

How about... my extreme extreme lack of willingness to go practice the piano now. It's this huge obligation, that I cannot just get up and forget about it, because it's money. And time. It's important not to waste money because otherwise I will feel super guilty to my parents and feel awful and horrible. And it's important not to waste time because I can do so much more with my precious time instead of going for piano lessons week after week, and not learning anything because I didn't practice.

SHEESH.

Piano is... irritating ): But I can't just forget about it. So gah I shall go practice later. Exam peices are still alright, but scales, once you stop practicing them, it takes a hell lot of effort and self-determination to start practicing them again. And it takes an even greater effort to continue practicing them day after day.

And after Taiwan, this effort will be vanishing into thin air, into I don't know where. Where I will have to muster up the huge amount of energy again. GOSH. Couldn't mom have idk, enrolled me into ballet or something ><

Okay but if so, I'd probably be whining about ballet lessons now and how I really want to learn piano.

Joyan tan ): I am so disappointed in you.

Okay STOP this is not happy or cheery or interesting. Erm erm haha I have this huge urge to emo, but noooo I shan't. Anyway farmville has been refusing to cooperate for the last couple of days. I don't know if it'll work today, but if so, I am sure all my crops have died. So much for an aspiring farmer.

Oh okay I don't think it's working. awesome huh. I should just forget about it. But it's something to do, other than math and chemistry and all that. It's something different.

Speaking of homework, I have officially started on my holiday homework. But say to say, I am nowhere near complete. SHEESH. It's so irritating to look at your foolscape pad with all the homework day after day after day, and yet be unable to cross out anything because YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED ANYTHING. Argh tomorrow I WILL finish everything.

I wish ><

I've been saying that for the last couple of days. What happened to my awesome concentration?

I think it vanished into thin air, running away with all my energy.

I feel sad ): I feel extra. And I shall not continue down because it'll make me feel worse.

haha okay this is very random o.o sorry for the bout of randomness! Which reminds me I need to go find out how a tux looks like, and whether it looks nice, and who it looks nice on :D

I feel happy(:

I managed to finish up my entire plate of dinner today, and during lunch I finished my burger too! It's an accomplishment. I have no idea why, but ever since I came home from Shanghai, I've been finding it extremely hard to finish my food. I could never finish that plate of chicken rice, that burger from Burger Shack and the pack of instant noodles that I used to be able to finish and drink off the soup.

Smaller appetite?

I remember my eating habits when I was young, or more like my parents' attitude. When I was a really small kid, I never wanted to finish my food. The short attention span that every kid has applied to me too. I'd eat, and get too bored (or too sleepy; I was a very sleepy kid) and moan about wanting to go play (or sleep). My parents never allowed me to. Being the awesome and attentive parents they were, they'd sit next to me and make sure I finished my food. Oh the horror.

Then one day I remember moaning about not wanting to finish my food, and I got a different response. My dad just told me to eat what I could and if I really couldn't finish it, it was fine. Imagine my surprise!

I think my parents felt that I was old enough to decide how much I wanted to eat.

Shortly after, I grew big and hungry enough to be able to finish off whole plates of rice. Or actually, I would finish that three quarter plate of rice allocated to me. I felt so happy! My parents were also kinda amazed that wow, Joyan finally finished her food xD

So I grew older and I ate more.

But I have to admit, I still ate slowly. The whole family would sit down to eat, and then my dad would finish. Followed by my sister. Then my mom. Then the table would be cleared, dad would go out to watch tv and my mom would start washing the dishes. All these happening while I was still eating. I would eat vigorously at first, then get bored, and start picking at my food.

And because my seat enabled me to look out and watch the very interesting television shows that my dad was watching, I'd start watching tv and eating. And so I ate even slower. Until my mom would finish washing the dishes, my dad would finish watching tv. Then I'd be left in the kitchen picking at my food and holding on to my bowl miserably.

Hahah okay that was somewhere in the past. Today, we have a new table in the living room. And we occasionally eat while watching tv. And my sister eats even slower than me xD

(Maybe it's a growing up stage whereby you eat reallyreallyreally slowly o.o)

Anyway oh I wanted to blog about something else too!

Today this group captured my attention with the truth that was simply shining out of it xD It read something like this "Everyone who uses msn nicknames with lyrics of songs etc, definitely means something with it". Something like that? Haha I'm guilty as charged(:

Using the lyrics of a song is so useful. Perhaps sometime in your life, you feel like putting something emo or weird like "I really really really really really miss you" which by the way, probably is what some people do. So instead of writing that, you just put some random song lyric like erm IDK, "you raise me up" or something >< Just some lyric which portrays your feelings.

Then when someone asks you about it or shows concern, you just go like "oh it's the title or lyric of this song that I'm listening to" and that's it.

Sooooooo convenient right?

But it's such a fake cover-up. A disguise.

I regret constantly, the moment when I stopped fighting and gave in. The moment when I decided that you were worth it. The moment when I decided that it wasn't that important anyway.

Maybe you are worth it, I don't know. Maybe things will go as you saw. Maybe there will be a "happily ever after". But it doesn't change the fact that everything happened at a wrong time, at a wrong chance, in a wrong place.

I really really really really really miss you. I think. I cannot recall without feeling the painful tug. I just wish, that I never had the chance to write something like that. I wish everything could be erased permanently.

It's so ironic. I wish something would happen. I don't want to wait and see how things go anymore. I want to know how it ends, what happens in the process. I want to know if it was forgettable or not. Everytime you told me about the "most horrible time" you ever had, it hurt. Because it just showed the importance. Because everything else didn't matter as much.

It's been a long time. How are you?

This sounds like I did something horribly wrong. Um no I didn't.

:D

This is an attempt to end off how I started.

Feeling happy(:

Competition has ended on a somewhat good note I suppose? (: I'm just drowning myself in music currently, so that I won't think too much about anything else. I'm glad for the emails that I can send out, for the sense of conclusion it gives me.

Since competitions have ended, for this year at least, I'll now try to focus more on school work! :D And I'm working on youtube playlist now, so that I can listen to songs on playlists and I don't have to keep choosing songs whenever I go to youtube.

Okay, moving on now~!

“年少的时候，一句责骂，一次跌倒，都可以让我们无稀哭泣；长大了，即使冷嘲热讽，或是受伤流血，都会把腰杆挺得直直的，头仰得高高的，绝不轻易落泪。泪水，是流给心爱的人给他来安慰自己的，不能给别人看。”

曾经许下的诺言如今已即将要结束了。明年会带来如何新的发展呢？

I came home from NYDC camp today, ate lunch and slept till 11.30pm at night(: I was going to sleep further, but then I remembered that I have a speech due at 12am, so I decided to wake up and finish up my obligations.

Debate camp was pretty awesome, despite being super tiring as well. It was just a pity that some of us didn't get to participate in all the workshops, it would have been quite interesting. So in order to make up for that loss, I really hope Saturday goes well.

I'm trying to change my perception of debates.

It's no longer about your opponent, it's about yourself and your team. It's about personal growth and how you maintain or even improve your standard each time you step up onto the debate floor. It's about setting your personal goals and reaching them; about having that passion and desire to persuade and change opinions; about standing out there and knowing that you OWN that six minutes.

"When you go up, the whole floor is yours."

It's up to you to do what you wish to, nobody can say anything. Because that six minutes is sacred, you are in charge. This whole change of perception reminded me of the basketball drama serial I just watched recently. It's ironic, but I suppose all sports/ skills are similar. The opponent should never matter, if you have reached a certain standard, you're there and nothing should change or stop you from reaching that standard each time you debate.

It's true that we have to take into account all other factors, but their importance is so much less as compared to your own personal feelings and desire.

I won't deny it, I still really want to win badly. But I understand that firstly, everything is in God's hands. Secondly, it is possible to have that same adrenaline of winning when you do your best and you return to your seat knowing that you just delivered an awesome speech.

"We will overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony"

Three unanimous wins in a row. Three best speakers in a row. Top ranking amongst ten.

Thank God <3 for being with our team throughout all three debates, for giving us/ me strength and courage everytime I went up to speak, for helping me not to cringe so badly when I gave a bad speech especially in debate two, for giving me the so-called 'aura' while debating, for helping me to look everyone in the eye and know that what I'm saying is right, for the confidence I felt even if it wasn't perfect, for being able to turn around with my head held high and sit down without revealing the panic, for helping me to encourage and motivate the rest that they really did well.

Debates went majorly well today, I'm happy!

Now I just pray and hope that we won't get proud or too overjoyed and that we will continue working for ourselves, for everyone, for NYDC, for God. It finally feels like I'm reaching something, I'm seeing some results, I'm achieving my goals. It feels awesome to do well, doesn't it?

"Who's the judge?
The judge is God.
Why is he God?
Because he decides who wins or loses, not my opponent.
Who is your opponent?
He does not exist.
Why does he not exist?
Because he is a mere dissenting voice to the truth I speak."

Victoria Junior College Invitationals tomorrow.

I've finally pulled myself away from the television and decided to actually try to do something productive. These few days have been quite... contradictory. In a sense when I slack off, I feel really bad because I know that I could do so much more with my time. Yet I can always think of certain benefits of slacking off and try again and again to convince myself that it's fine, that it's okay to slack off. Because it's a way of relaxing and I actually benefit from it too.

Poof.

Anyway, competition is coming tomorrow. Finally! I don't know how to face it, don't know what attitude I should take towards it. The want-to-win-everything attitude feels so wrong; the let-it-be attitude seems so defeatist; the winning-is-not-everything attitude isn't convincing at all. I haven't learnt the art of leaving everything in God's hands yet. I'm so far from it, aren't I?

I will probably blog again tomorrow on the experience, on how the debates went. But for today, I'll just rant a little and release a little.

Welcome to my life

I think television releases you. It puts you in a completely different position, in a role and scene whereby you actually fit in with everything there. You've a script to follow, and no matter what you say, everything is still going to go according to how it was planned. You lose yourself in the main characters, substitute yourself with them, lie to yourself in saying that everything is not fiction and completely possible. It takes your mind off the harsh reality whereby everything is so much harder and you just cannot do some things no matter how hard you try. In television, there's always a happy ending.

At least that's something you can count on.

I want to be so crazily focused and committed to my work; to do something and know that I can actually do it well. To focus and know that it will pay off. I don't really understand what is it that stops us all. The lack of passion? The distractions we face? It's not that we're unable or we lack the ability. Is it a lack of motivation?

There's so much we can do with our lives, so much I can do. It's insane.

Do you ever feel like breaking down
Do you ever feel out of place
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away
Do you lock yourself in the room
with the radio on turned up so loud
that no one hears you screaming
You don't know what it's like
when nothing feels alright
to be like me
To be hurt
to feel lost
to be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
to feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
and no one cares to save you
No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life